The Mother Load

Published February 22, 2009
St. George Spectrum & Daily News

Whenever I’m stumped for a column idea, I check out the national news headlines for tales of the strange and outrageous. Today’s piece of news comes from Parker, Colorado, where a man heading home to Kansas from a dog show in Denver was robbed at gunpoint of $300,000 worth of dog jewelry. The local authorities, while stating they feel the man’s story is far-fetched, are pursuing the matter.

You know, sometimes the columns just write themselves. I think I could just type the words, “$300K Dog Jewelry Heist” and call it a day. Since my editor probably wants more than that, I’ll add my commentary to the one already rolling around in your head.

Did anyone here know there was actually $300,000 worth of dog jewelry in existence to facilitate a $300,000 dog jewelry heist? Does anyone else think the existence of dog jewelry itself is more far-fetched than the story of the robbery?

I am not, nor have I ever been a “dog person,” so maybe this is just a product of my overall ignorance of all things canine. As far as I know, dogs like things like bones, squeaky toys, shoes, frisbees, and soaking humans in large amounts of uncontrolled slobber. I didn’t realize they were the new connoisseurs of bling.

If your imagination is anything like mine, you probably annoy most of your friends and family. You’re also probably imagining all sorts of strange scenes right now. A poodle decked out in pink taffeta singing, “Diamonds are a man’s best friend’s best friend!” A lonely guy on one knee at the pound, presenting a scrappy terrier with a solitaire and saying, “Will you be my dog?” Manipulative advertisements on holidays: “He’s stood by you through all your ups and downs. This Christmas, give Fido the gift of gratitude. The Puppy Jewelers Signature tennis bracelet with 2 carats of our exclusive tennis ball shaped diamonds.”

See, this is why I have cats. They’re more practical. Don’t believe what you see in those Fancy Feast commercials. If I tried to offer Isis, my cuddly, little fluffball with the Fancy Feast looks, a sparkly collar, she’d scoff a t the very idea. “In this economy? Really, Sarah. What WERE you thinking? Now put that silly thing away and scratch my ears, dahling.”

I’m almost sad to say that upon checking into the story further, I have learned that the jewelry this man was selling wasn’t actually for the dogs but for the owners, themselves. Apparently, while there isn’t much of a market for doggie jewelry out there, there is a market for doggie shaped jewelry. Yeah. Because spending thousands of dollars on a ring depicting your favorite bulldog friend isn’t weird or unbalanced at all…

Whether the jewelry in question was meant for dogs or their obsessive owners, I’m hoping the police sniff out some good leads and we’ll all soon hear what they were able to dig up on this alleged crime. If they find out they’ve just been chasing their tails, the jewelry salesman will be in the doghouse for sure. I can’t imagine they’d let sleeping dogs lie if that’s the case. If you’re beginning to think I’m just one dog related pun away from the ridiculous, I’ll lay off.

I’m laying off with a hang-dog expression on my face, but I’m laying off.