The Mother Load

Why would you do this to a tree?  Why? Why? Why would you do this to a tree?

Sometimes, a product makes me laugh so hard I have to take a breathing break before I can write the Stupid Product review.  Such is the case with the WoodChuck Tree Face, a "face" you mount into your tree in case the tree in your yard isn't weird looking enough. 

"Honey, our tree looks so plain and tree-like.  Is there anything we can do to anthropomorphize it and keep the neighbor kids from coming into our yard?"

"Why yes, dear!  We could get the WoodChuck Tree Face!  I wet my pants when Hal put his up last year."

Let's take the ad point by point, shall we?  My translations are in italics.

Handmade in the USA of durable All-Weather Garden Stone, WoodChucks rugged and rustic good looks will blend nicely into your tree while his iridescent eyes catch the sunlight and the attention of anyone glancing in his direction.  WoodChuck's frightening and creepy looks will blend all too well into your tree while his irridescent eyes will scare the snot out of anyone glancing in his direction.

A great gift for any occasion. A great gift for fueding neighbors.


Handmade in the USA of durable All-Weather Garden Stone  U.S. manufacturing has really suffered since the beginning of the recession.  This is the best we can do now.

Not your Garden-Variety Mass-Produced Imports Let the masses buy pleasant looking outdoor products!  You can have THIS!

Color is throughout each piece and wont wear off can be left outdoors year-round. Once you mount it to your tree, you're stuck with it.

Install easily and harmlessly on the tree trunk with small screws or nails (not included). We have no idea what the word "harmlessly" means.

I'm writing this post from my dining room table and have glanced more than once out the window at the trees in my backyard, just to make sure they're not watching me work.  Wouldn't you know, my landlady bought one of these faces and I didn't even know.



I have to go change my pants now.