The Mother Load

Ever since someone created the first baby doll who could open and close her eyes depending on her position, toy makers have been pumping out ever more lifelike dolls in the quest to create the first genuine cyborg. I have my suspicions regarding mass marketing, widespread parenticide, and world domination, but I don't think they'll actually manage it all until I'm very old, so I tend not to worry.

Also, people keep making dolls like this, and I realize I have much more present things to worry about.



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  His eyes! His eyes!  My eyes! My eyes!

I had to do a little research on this doll, lest it turn out to be a well produced spoof. Alas, Baby Pirulin Pipi is as real as its anatomically correct design. This is an actual product that actual parents have purchased for their actual children. (This gives me an actual headache.  No lie!)

Maybe I'm being a silly, prudish American when I say that I think this doll takes things a little too far. I'm okay with that. I'm not against dolls that need diaper changes.  I bought Evelyn a doll for Christmas that drinks a bottle and urinates. I just really appreciate the fact that she'll never be kicked out of school for drawing a picture of it. 

Extensive searching hasn't produced any Baby Pirulin Pipi dolls for sale online, so I guess this product has been discontinued. Sorry to all you parents who were ready to rush out and buy one. Not to worry, though. Mothers all over the world are producing new models as we speak. They're called baby boys, and they don't require batteries to urinate on their parents.  Even more amazing, these same mothers will actually pay YOU to change diapers while they go out by themselves!  Who needs a doll?

I can't end this review without pointing out the one bit of awesomeness this product possesses. The doll has not been circumcised. I commend the makers for not putting this baby boy through the unnecessary pain and risk of cosmetic surgery. It's still a Stupid Product in my eyes, but at least it's an intact one.

(Thanks to Renee P. of Wichita Falls, TX, for the Stupid Product idea!  Thanks to my mother for teaching me to avoid broad humor and off color puns in my writing.  How she managed to teach me that with a name like Willie is anyone's guess.)